And Into The Fray Goes Clegg

As the cool spring air slices its way through the British capital, the backroom negotiations between the major political parties have begun to heat up following Gordon Brown’s decision to quit the Labor leadership. All eyes are focused on Nick Clegg as the Liberal Democrat leader negotiates the political stage in search of a deal to secure Britain with its next Prime Minister.

In reality, the election for Clegg must have been bittersweet. The Liberal Democrats have the balance of power and the ability to form a coalition government (in majority with the Tories or as part of a rainbow coalition with Labor), yet much of the enthusiasm Clegg managed to instil into the electorate during the leader’s debates failed to materialise come election day. In fact, the Lib Dems ended up losing more seats than they initially started with. Election 2010 would not be the third-party revolution in British politics many Lib Dems hoped it would.

While Clegg may appear to be holding the chips, the circumstances of this election have wedged the disarming and charismatic leader into an uneasy position; one fraught with potential danger for his party. Clegg premised his campaign on the notion of the Lib Dems as a “third force” in British politics, above the fray of the two party system. His argument was that his party presented an alternative from the failed iterations of successive Labor and Tory governments.

Now, in a twist of irony befitting a British election, Clegg finds himself jostling back and forth between the two major parties in search of a deal that suits his and his party’s interests. To do this without appearing as though he’s engaging in typical run-of-the-mill politics which he so much derided during the campaign will be a balancing act requiring extreme political dexterity.

Regardless of who Clegg ultimately decides to throw his support behind, the likely outcome will be another General Election in the not too distant future. This could be potentially toxic for the Lib Dems especially if the electorate, tired of uncertainty, begins to clamour for strong leadership, putting aside its idealistic notions of pluralism and cooperation and dutifully falling in behind the two main parties.

A fragmented and disjointed parliamentary session leading up to the next election could also be poison to the Lib Dem’s dream of implementing proportional representation. If a referendum is agreed to, it is certain that the Tories (and Labor) will seek to paint proportional representation as a system that will place Britain at the mercy of protracted periods of weak coalitions and perpetual uncertainty in the political system. If voters see credence in this argument, the Lib Dem’s dreams of PR will evaporate before their very eyes. If this were to happen, for all that Cleggmania promised, little, if any real change, will result.

Clegg needs to play this cool. Any whiff of politicking will crash the soft support that the Lib Dem’s managed to corral during the election. As a famous Churchill quote goes: “a pessimist sees a problem in every opportunity; an optimist sees an opportunity in every problem.” Clegg needs to go into these negotiations with two goals, and two goals only: (1) secure a firm commitment from whoever he forms government with that a referendum for PR be held on an expedited timeline. And (2) achieve the first goal without becoming ensconced in the muck of typical Tory/Labor politicking. The Lib Dems cannot accede to a weak agreement on PR, only to find it flung onto the backburner amidst discursive legislative gridlock that any new government will likely encounter. But they also must do this without appearing too opportunistic. If they the electorate sense blatant opportunism, the Lib Dems will be unable to authentically sell their unique “third force” position in an ensuing election.

There is a lasting opportunity here for the Lib Dems. They must think with foresight. In the long-term, cabinet positions and specific policy nuances should take a backseat to the overriding goal of proportional representation in the British system. It is uncertain if in the future the Lib Dems will hold this power again. Clegg needs to take this uneasy position of to-ing and fro-ing and capitalise on the opportunity to secure a more hospitable long-term future for his party.

With the resignation of Gordon Brown, a new possibility enters the political scene – a Labour/Liberal coalition under the leadership of a young, charismatic frontrunner David Milibrand. A Milibrand/Clegg coalition would infuse vibrancy into the political landscape, but in order to work, they would need to enlist a rainbow coalition of other minor parties. Any offer from the Labour Party to form a rainbow coalition would be meretricious for the Lib Dems. Labor has less to lose and is more likely to offer Clegg promises they simply can’t keep. Also for a Lib/Lab pact to work, the British people will have to tolerate a few more months of Brown as leader, a disastrously unpopular proposition. Even with a Milibrand/Clegg rainbow coalition in government, it will almost certainly fall victim to fragmentation and disunity. Under these circumstances, the Lib Dems will probably lose both their chance to govern in coalition and their chance to secure a referendum on proportional representation.

At best Brown’s departure provides leverage for Clegg in his dealing with the Tories. Clegg needs to use this interesting turn of events to push the Tories hard on PR. Cameron appears to be listening but has to contend with an entourage of Tory MPs behind him none too thrilled about the prospect of PR. In this respect, the Conservative leader may find himself hamstrung. It is impossible to predict just what the  outcome of these negotiations will be, but whatever happens, Clegg must capitalise on the opportunity afforded to his party by bringing about lasting political reform. If he manages to do this you could say it would be positively Churchillian.

Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

I’ve been doing it wrong my entire adult life. You would think that such a quotidian function would lend itself to mastery before too long, but it appears as though my skills are as bad now as they were when I was an innocent, pimply faced teenager. It’s all about hand technique, they say. Don’t do it too fast or you risk injury. Also there’s an optimal angle at which you should hold the shaft. And don’t forget about the tension with which you hold the skin, because that’s important too. I mean aren’t fathers contractually obligated to teach their sons how to do it properly? You know, along with how to tie a tie, change a tyre and make obscene comments about women, ethnics and lawyers? I didn’t even know I was doing it wrong until I was at the doctor the other day (on completely unrelated matters) when after a very brief examination he turned to me and in a calm, matter-of-fact doctorese indicated that the technique I had been using was actually quite detrimental to my health. I was astounded. I never knew that shaving could be so perilous.

Alright. I know what you’re thinking: how could this silly man not know how to shave properly? Surely it’s just a case of smearing on some shaving cream, getting one of those razors with a name indistinguishable from a list of military hardware the Pentagon might purchase, and then delicately negotiating the contours of your face. The Gillette ad makes it look so easy. A well toned, muscular man strides up to the mirror, applies an even layer of cream and then with great dexterity and élan glides the razor down the side of his ruggedly chiselled face to reveal a surface smoother than Gandhi’s head. Straightforward right?

The reality of my world is a little different. It typically involves a figure (me), looking not unlike Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, sauntering up to the mirror, haphazardly applying way too much shaving cream and then, in what can only described as a vicious melee between my checks and the razor, hack away at the reddish stubble that has accumulated overnight. After 30 seconds of ferocious battle, the ordeal hits its horrifying crescendo as the bathroom basin turns to something like the river at Stalingrad in 1943 and my face, a gigantic tomato. But I thought a bit of blood during the shaving process was normal, right?

Wrong! Forget everything you ever thought you knew about shaving. Throw out all your Gillette razors, not to mention the Shicks and Bics. Get rid of any shaving cream that comes out of a can. If it needs aerosol to ejaculate, it shouldn’t be going on your face. I know because I researched. I must admit I was innerved by my doctor’s visit. I went home and with the assiduousness of an honours student, I researched everything I could find, hacking through the marketing spin with the same ardour that I used to hack at the stubble on my face. Turns out I have been doing it wrong all this time. I was approaching shaving with the same lack of care and disregard as a jaded high school groundsman might approach the overgrown reeds on a school oval. But I’m satisfied to report I have now settled on a new routine. A routine that would make the executives at Gillette recoil in horror. It seems that the secret to an amazing, bloodless shave is nothing more than a single bladed razor, a fine badger haired brush, and a smooth, milky shaving lather. And certainly does not require anything sounding like military hardware.

The reason why I make this point is that the whole ordeal demonstrates the dangers inherent when corporate executives usurp the function that used to dwell under the purview of fathers. While I don’t blame fathers, because of course they have their own societal pressures to live up to (which usually involves working ridiculous hours to provide as much material wealth for their family as possible), I think that as a society we have lost out on something important. While this might just be an isolated case of me growing up in shaving ignorance, I wonder how many boys are actually taught how to shave properly by fathers or older brothers? Or are most boys, like me, taught through the flashy advertisements that punctuate episodes of Top Gear and Blokesworld? Do we really need a vibrating razor with 6 to 7 thousand blades (that of course need replacing every month at a cost of $12 dollars) to shave? Or can the same function be achieved by a single bladed razor, the right brush and a good lather? Of course, the single bladed razor idea would be a killer for Gillette. Razor blades cost perhaps $3 a pack and they generally last months. The razor shaft doesn’t need replacing ever. This would certainly not help the company reach shareholder growth targets every month. In order to make more money they need you to buy more things. In order for you to buy more things, the things you buy must degrade. In order to sustain the circular consumption process, companies are required to obscure the most basic facts about shaving – that the great majority of items out there are simply superfluous. In shaving, as in much of life, less is uncompromisingly more. The way it has been overcomplexifed is an endemic feature of the modern world in which time-saving is valued over time-savouring activities. It is a world where companies and advertising have assumed the main didactic role that was once a cherished function of intra-family relationships.

Yet while it is easy to blame others, the truth of the matter is I have nobody to blame but myself. It merely took time to stop, think, look and see. Had I been more proactive, I could have easily found the information I was after. If I had bothered to research, I would have realised my error sooner. So the real lesson is not what society has become, it is not about the break-down of the family unit, because these issues have been spoken about to death. The real issue is the indolence of self, the submission of self to a form of auto-pilot, in which everything done is easy, quick and gratifying. My journey from shaving ignorance to shaving enlightenment has been well worth the travel. I have grown to see shaving not as an unneccessary chore, standing in the way of more important things, but as a function which in itself is to be enjoyed, to be savoured. Gone are the days of my vicious early morning hack jobs, and in its place is a more temperate, more considered, more balanced approach to something I should have been doing a long time ago.